I think a lot about language sometimes, and what our word choices mean. When you start looking at how patriarchy and capitalism shape the way we refer even to our lovers, how property descriptions can refer to people, animals, or non-sentient things, you start to see the power of language.
Ever read 1984? I’m sure most of us have. Kind of creepy. The psyche of populations controlled through words. Even people’s thoughts were controlled. Through words. Words are incredibly powerful. But then, we’re blogging and/or reading blogs, so I guess we already know that.
So, language. This isn’t an abstract theoretical post, and it isn’t about the current political climate (though, realistically, what I’ve said above applies strongly). It is about the shoulds. The shoulds came up in therapy last week.
“I should like my job…” I began, at one point.
She gave me a look. “I always notice when people use the word ‘should’ because it is generally a sign that people are trying to force themselves to think something or feel something that they don’t actually think or feel.”
Should. It seems so innocuous. We use it all the time. I should do laundry. I should make dinner. I should…
But she’s right. I shouldn’t like my job. It is completely wrong for me. The people, the management, the micro-management, the boredom, the…the everything, really. I shouldn’t like it, I’d be crazy to like it, because it makes me miserable.
What I really meant by that statement is that I expected to like my job. I’m disappointed that I don’t. The powerful thing, and perhaps the scary thing, is that once I replace the word “should”, it is no longer a fault of mine that I don’t like my job. It is what it is. It isn’t the right job for me. No failure on my part or theirs (though I might argue that last a bit). It is what it is, and I need to move on, hopefully to a job I will like better.
It makes me wonder where else the ‘shoulds’ encroach on my life. I’m keeping an eye out for them now. I’m on to their tricks.
unrelenting ambiguity 
August 20, 2007 at 7:30 pm
I think your therapist was right to point out that “should” was not the right word in this case. However, don’t throw out the word entirely. It has it’s uses.
People should be polite to each other, for example.
They should eat their whole grains and vegetables.
They should complete their homework.
They should refrain from murder and theft.
Etc.
August 20, 2007 at 7:37 pm
bah. politeness is for fools!
No, you’re right, in a way, though I still think that most of those shoulds could be replaced with more accurate words. I think “should” is a lazy sort of word, by now.
It is healthier to eat whole grains and vegetables.
Politeness is the key to happiness and riches.
Homework is for fools. (kidding!)
It is ethical and moral to refrain from murder and theft.
I’m banishing the shoulds for now, at least. It will keep me from using them in harmful ways, and I believe there are always other ways to say things. Maybe I can reintroduce the shoulds at some point later.
August 20, 2007 at 7:55 pm
Good for you on changing your language. It know there are other words you are trying or have banished. As for the homework comment. I agree “Homework is for fools” and I will not be giving any this year other than a periodic project.
Down with homework let kids, be kids!
August 20, 2007 at 8:11 pm
Wow, what a great post! You are so right! Shoulds really are a disguise aren’t they? For what we don’t want to admit what we really feel. Because – gosh, I don’t know what the because is. I don’t know, this really just blew something out of my head (in a good good way). Thanks!
WC
August 20, 2007 at 8:13 pm
I don’t know what is up with my fools comments tonight, I’m starting to feel like Mr. T!
Rich, I remember a teacher back in some grade way back when who hated kids, I swear, and if you did anything wrong in her class, she would make you do “white papers” (which are not the “white papers” we know in industry) and we’d have to copy the entire workbook page or whatever, including all the directions, and write it out by hand. It was ridiculous, and clearly designed to keep us occupied by a teacher just wanting to survive until retirement. My mom was livid when she found out! Those white papers assignments didn’t last long! (My mom could put the fear of short women in people when she got riled up!)
I hope your kids appreciate what an awesome teacher you are to not give them homework! (oh, boy, now i have twisted sister in my head!)
WC, I’m glad my therapist can help you too! Seriously, she says things that seem so freaking obvious afterwards, but blow little bits of my mind (in good ways) at the time. 🙂
August 20, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Interesting – I know I throw that word out a lot without even thinking about it. “I should quit smoking” means to me that I know I need to but I don’t really want to yet. Yeah, but I should. Maybe by changing the semantics, one can change part of their life.
August 20, 2007 at 8:22 pm
OB, that’s it exactly! I use “should” all the time, thoughtlessly. There are other things I say too (I talk about “ideally” a lot, which I don’t expect from anything, so why do I bring it up all the time?), which I often don’t even realize I’m saying until my therapist brings it up. She’s so good at that!
And I really do think that words are powerful enough that through them we can change our lives.
It is sort of fun, too, to decipher all the different things we really mean when we use words like “should”.
August 20, 2007 at 10:45 pm
Coulda, woulda, shoulda – shoulda had a V8!
Actually, using the words I expected ——- gets me to thinking about how many unrealistic expectaions I’ve had over the years and that too can be a troublesome word for me. If I had some expectations and it didn’t work out how I expected – it’s still my problem and my “fault” if fault must be laid. Yes?
That’s my take on it anyway.
Peace to all.
August 20, 2007 at 11:00 pm
That’s so true. I bet we all have troublesome words, words that have become habit, that we say unthinkingly, and which are detrimental to us on some level. I am going to be paying a lot more attention to my word choices for a while, and not just to the shoulds!
I don’t have much of a problem with expectations not being met – my expectations are woefully low. In fact, that is a problem of mine, that I wildly imagine the absolute worst, which can prevent me from even attempting things. I’m working on that!
I do have a problem with “ideally”, which is similar, but not quite the same.
August 21, 2007 at 8:10 am
This is great Deb! Have fun on your de-shoulding campaign! I’m all for it! 🙂
August 21, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Thanks! I’ve caught myself a few times today already! 😀
August 21, 2007 at 8:04 pm
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) has been often-mischaracterized and misunderstood, but one thing it does well is help you identify words, thought patterns and behaviors that are ineffective or even counterproductive. (It’s kind of like cognitive behavioral therapy.) Unhelpful words include woulda, coulda and shoulda, as well as try and “not (as your brain cannot process the word not, so it processes whatever is next to it. The classic example is to say “I will not hit the golf ball into the water” and it goes into the water because the brain produces I hit golf ball water. “Not” isn’t imaginable.) In NLP, the 2 most powerful words are “I am.” I am intelligent. I am insightful. I am able to deal with adversity. I am strong. I am . . . .
Whatever you want to be, tell yourself you’re already there. Work from the outside in. “Fake it till you make it.” It’s sort of the next level of positive affirmations, and I for one have seen it work. Give it a whirl . .. .
August 21, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Mary, I had no idea there was research behind this! It makes sense, it is just far afield from the things I’ve studied I guess, yet it is fascinating. I’ll have to do some reading on NLP. I think it is something I’m in need of at this point, so I’ll put it to use and see what comes of it. Thanks for mentioning it!
I am going to have to pass on the golf tip to my mom too. 😉
August 23, 2007 at 2:41 pm
RE: 1984. I just posted a comment on my blog recently about something feeling “Orwellian” to me. Interconnections abounding!
Yes, we all get should on frequently. You “should forgive,” “you should get over it,” “you should not be angry,” “you should be happy”…shoulding is definitely an oppression and suppression of our true feelings. We get should on so much in lives, we learn to should on ourselves. Maybe we all need to just say “stop shoulding on me” to self and others, so we can get from under that stinky pile of should and let our visceral feelings and knowledge flow.
August 23, 2007 at 6:24 pm
I hadn’t thought about it as suppression or oppression, but as soon as I read those words, it really rang true for me. And it is funny, because I always resisted “obligation” in just about whatever form, and never really explored why. Yet, what is obligation if not “should”?
Lots to think about. Thanks mother wintermoon!