It’s odd, but I realized only a couple years ago that I’m an introvert, rather than an extrovert. I like people (sometimes), and I like talking to people, so it was masked a bit. I’m the stranger-talker, you know? Drives a friend of mine crazy. She used to think it was something I did, to encourage people, but then she realized that people (strangers!) would seek me out to start random conversations.

I think those are fun (usually) so I suppose they could be reading my openness to such conversations. Hard to know – we’re so oblivious to body language, even when we’re reading it and reacting to it! Funny humans.

So, introvert. Now that I know this about myself, a lot of things are clearer to me. Like, why I like living alone! Should be obvious, right? Well, for many reasons this wasn’t obvious to me, until it was.

My work situation drains my social battery pretty completely, so I really don’t hang out with people much, or often, aside from my volunteering at the sanctuary every Saturday. It’s a combination of needing to recharge, and having the friend-connection need fulfilled by the 4 hours I’m with friendlies at the sanctuary.

So my social life is pretty much non-existent, and I really like that.

But sometimes someone will invite me to do something. My first reaction, almost always,is “nooooooooooo.”

I let it roll around in my mind, like you would a really good chocolate or wine on the tongue. Trying to get a feel for whether I really want to do this…whatever it is.

The thing is, this is hard for me. I go through the “would I regret going? would I regret *not* going?” And the answer for both is “no.” I’d have fun if I went (almost definitely) and I would not feel like I’d missed out on anything at all if I didn’t go.

So, to go or not to go.

Recently a friend invited me to go with her to a winery. I agreed, even though a) I hate being in the car and it means hours in the car and b) I was really ambivalent about whether I wanted to go.

I’ve been in a sort of bad mood all week (unrelated to the upcoming winery trip), and so when I got an email suggesting that we meet at her place instead of at the place right off the highway, I really wanted to email back and cancel the plans altogether. Really really really wanted to do that.

Luckily my phone is about 90% unusuable these days (ghost touches, so it’s pretty much insane), so I couldn’t respond right away. I thought about it. Thought about it way more than it is really worth thinking about, to be honest. It’s only 4 more miles of driving. Well, 8 total. Thing is, I met her at her place once before, and those are some slow 4 miles to drive. Annoying miles. And then I had to get a tour of her place before we could go, and … I just really don’t want to drive those 4 miles. I. do. not.

I sort of came to realize that those 4 miles are a deal-breaker for me. I know that sounds unreasonable, but that’s how it is. If I drive those 4 miles, I’m going to resent the hell out of them. And the reason this was suggested was because we’d planned on stopping to pick up a vegan pizza on the way, and apparently her place is more on the way than the highway is. Which also makes me think that it’s just going to take THAT much longer to get to this damn winery.

Man, I can complain, can’t I?

But that’s when the real solution became obvious to me – cancel the pizza idea. Done.

I guess we all have these lines, whether we realize they’re there before they’re crossed or not. It seems so arbitrary, doesn’t it? What difference does 4 miles make when I already have to drive 30 to get to the exit on the highway where we meet?

I guess, for me, it’s the difference between canceling plans or not. Knowing that, I can adjust, I can react accordingly. I just can’t drive those 4 miles.