I have been busy dealing with a lot of issues in the past 8 or so months. And I feel like some of them have recently been put to rest.

I replied sincerely to a couple of old acquaintances who I would have considered among my closest friends at one point in time. They are no longer close enough to be considered anything more than acquaintances, and I’m at peace with that. I received yearly group letters from them last month, and I hadn’t heard from them in a year or more prior to that. I can be happy to hear that they had a healthy baby girl, though I never knew they were pregnant. It took me almost a month to reply to the group letters they sent to me, and it is possible that such a delay will be unforgivable in their eyes. I’m at peace with that as well. The delay gave me the time I needed to realize that I have let go of the frustrations that their friendships brought me, and I can be happy to hear once a year that they’re healthy, happy, and perhaps that their family has grown by one.

I was also contacted recently by two people who I hadn’t heard from in quite a while. Not too long ago, it would have made me feel bitter. Bitter because they didn’t bother with me for however many months. But I am not feeling bitter. It just is. I’m happy to hear from them, and I understand how we fit into each other’s lives. It isn’t how I thought it was, or maybe how I wanted it to be, but I can now accept how it is, and be happy they’re in my life. I have let go of the bitterness.

Though I’ve been working on this for many months, it was only in the past month that I was able to see things clearly, to gain the perspective I needed. And it is odd how that came about. Or maybe it isn’t odd. You see, it was someone I don’t know very well who said the thing that clicked it into place for me. I think my friends were too close, they were seeing it too much from my perspective, with all the history and the … well, the history.

I’ve also been completely at peace with my job lately. Bored sometimes, sure. But the fact that I’ve been productive, and that no one has noticed, that I’ve been quite sure that the project I’m working on hasn’t been canceled only because those who would cancel it have forgotten it exists…well, all this just made me chuckle. I was setting goals for myself, and reaching them. I was learning things, and gaining experience. It simply stopped mattering whether I had a team, or whether I had a mentor, or even whether anyone would ever use the code I was busy checking in. I didn’t care that there was no guidance on what the end result should be or that the requirements were so vague as to be laughable. I went ahead and made decisions on database tables and all the details that I needed to move ahead with the code I was increasingly certain would never be used. Hey, I was getting paid for it regardless, so what difference did it make to me?

My manager talked to me today. Surprised that I was still working for him (see, told you they forgot to cancel my project), and told me that I was free to find another project to work on if I would prefer something more challenging. It turns out that if this project is ever ramped back up, it will be sometime next decade. This was not a surprise to me, other than the freedom he gave me to find another project. I contacted someone I worked for last year, who I enjoyed working for, and said “do you have any work for me?” His reply: “there is always work.”

All this chatter to say – I believe the lesson I needed to learn this past year, these past difficult years, is peace. Acceptance.

I hope I don’t have such difficult lessons to learn for a while. I could use a break.

tempest foot
Advertisements