My mind churns a lot. Sometimes the effect is more like endless paging, or churning, which is a computer term when the virtual memory swaps constantly, and the computer’s processing is taken up by the VM swapping and nothing actually gets done or processed. In human terms, this would be if you were multitasking to the point that you spent all of your time looking from one task to the next, but never actually working on any of those tasks.

Sometimes my mind’s endless “on” means that I travel down the well-worn negative thought paths. I read to escape this. It helps me relax, but something I notice when I’m in a heavy fiction reading period: I live more and more in my fantasy world. I think about the novels, which isn’t a bad thing, but I live them in a way, as well as other scenarios. I avoid thinking about my life, I avoid being present in my life.

This is normal to a point, but it is balance I need to find. At what point am I just going through the day to day motions instead of living my life? At what point is living in that fantasy world simply a way to avoid facing life itself?

I will always need to escape sometimes, because that might very well be the only way for my mind to relax, take a vacation. And recharge. But the catch is that no matter how far or fast I travel in reality, dreamscapes, or fantasies, I’m still here waiting when I return. The escape isn’t real. Sometimes that’s okay. Sometimes it is frustrating.

So, conscious living. That’s probably a term that has a lot of meanings – for me, it is about living in the moment, about feeling connected to others instead of separate, alien.

It is a goal, clearly.

pigs at ps
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